The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
