My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Randomize
