i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
