Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Randomize
