ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
