She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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