im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
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