U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
