u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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