i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize