Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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