If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
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