someone threw a dead crab at me
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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