I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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