Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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