i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
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