I will die if light touches me.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
