we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Randomize