I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
