She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Randomize
