Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
