Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Randomize
