theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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