Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
