i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Randomize
