my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
