in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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