we have officially mastered the walk of shame
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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