no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
