Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Just invented taco cereal.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
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