dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
