I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
