ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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