frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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