cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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