Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
