Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
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