I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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