Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
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