i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize