this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Randomize
