You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
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