So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Your cock deserves a montage
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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