I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
