im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
the liver wants what the liver wants
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
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