i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Are we still banned from the library?
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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