I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
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