Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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