No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
