WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
