he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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