I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
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