it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
