my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
