Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize