I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
