my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
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