Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
