I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
